| I had dreams, and am still dreaming. There is so much sky and space to explore. I remember the mystery and beauty of the woods and streams and rivers where I used to spend my days. I made those times so real I can still smell the woodland, the waters upon which the canoe would glide. I remember the reaction my lungs had to that first stolen smoke, how I gasped from my first taste of alcohol, how the din of heavy metal would render me partially deaf for days after. I dreamt of being a world-class photographer for National Geographic, of the mystique of travel, of new frontiers with new smells and sights. I dreamt of flying, making all those trips a communion with the sky, how it would take me closer to the source of my creativity. I could see myself surrounded by beauty, able to afford all those wonderful things I desired, oblivious to the fact that desiring does not make it so, it merely provides incentive. I remember one disappointment after another when I failed to achieve instant success, when I wasn’t awarded a golden ring for my efforts. I became disillusioned, maybe someone had done me wrong. I changed from one career, one business, one lifestyle to another. I continued the search I had begun in those loving woods, walking along and in the streams, stealthily gliding across the river so well I could surprise the water striders in their zig-zag dance upon the surface. I began to observe their erratic motions, with no discernible direction, no apparent goal. I began to remember that I forgot. I thought the world had given up on me. I started to box up my dreams and put them on a shelf with the rest of my dusty items. I forgot that I was in charge of my direction, my goal. I forgot that love from another comes from a love for oneself. I forgot that my friends were waiting for me to call upon them, that they wanted to be a part of my life. I forgot that I was not a family, a team, a community on my own. I forgot that the beauty of the nature I revered remained, only I changed. I remember that I forgot because the hurt of loss and failure remains until I fill that space with beauty, freedom and flight. I forgot because I was never told to remember, but I may never have listened anyway. Maybe I was advised, but I forgot. Oct. 17th, 2006 @ 11:41 pm |
